Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are related to each other but are not the same. Guilt is objective; it is the state in which you find yourself when you have violated a law, moral code or personal value. You experience painful feelings of regret associated with your behavior. You feel guilty because you are guilty. This guilt motivates you to change. Shame is subjective; it is a feeling of humiliation based on the belief that you are defective or inadequate as a person. You feel despair because you believe that you are fundamentally flawed and cannot change.

Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good (John Bradshaw, 1988).

Feelings of shame are often generated from toxic messages you receive from others when you fail to meet their expectations. “You are so incompetent!” “You are so selfish and ungrateful!” “You’ll never get it right!” Messages like these leave no room for amends and tend to reinforce inferiority, self-doubt, helplessness and hopelessness.

Feelings of guilt are generally healthy messages you receive from yourself when you have violated your conscience. “I have done wrong but I can change, make amends, correct a mistake, receive forgiveness, and be restored.” Messages like these reinforce hope and optimism.

Are you willing to become the person God designed you to be even if you incur disappointment from some? Is there someone with whom you need to reconcile and/or make restitution?