Selfish Jerk or Focused Contributor?

Our desire for approval can cripple us. If you care about people, you want to meet their needs. But life is busy. Sacrificial service disintegrates into good intentions. Out of sheer survival, you become calloused to the needs of others. You’re ashamed of your indifference but overwhelmed by the level of adversity around you. When you finally roll up your sleeves, you feel you can’t do enough. Frustrated, you wonder, “Will I ever make a difference?”

During an interview on the television program 20/20, host John Stossel grilled Texas billionaire Dan Duncan, regarding charitable contributions.

Stossel: “You’ve given a lot to charity, but really you gave only 2% of your net worth. That sounds cheap.”

Duncan: “If that was all that I ever wanted to give away, I would agree 100%, [but] if you're one of the gifted people that can actually make more money, people receiving it are better off if you keep it to get a lot more later on."

Duncan perceives his ability to make money as a gift that ultimately benefits others. His corporation, Enterprise Products, does generate a huge amount of wealth for Duncan to give away. Whether cancer research (Duncan’s charity) profits more from a lump sum or a steady stream of cash is a subject for debate, but Duncan clearly believes he is a greater asset to the world when he operates from his strengths.

Undoubtedly, we have the most impact when we embrace God’s design for our lives. But the short term thinkers always seem to have better plans for our time. They belittle our progress because they don’t understand our goals. How do you stay on course without ignoring the needs of others?

Aimless and Ashamed

Other people’s priorities can cloud my judgment, thwarting my ability to make decisions. If I stay at home with my son, but can’t afford piano lessons or little league, I’m denying him opportunities. If I focus on maintaining my home, I lack the time to volunteer at school. If volunteer activities consume my day, I’m folding laundry instead of helping my daughter with homework. If I go back to work, I’m shirking my parental duties. And so the circle of guilt continues. No matter what I choose, shame lurks over me like a dark cloud refusing to rain.

I’m shackled by the weight of everyone’s disappointment in me. To make matters worse, most people have reasonable expectations and are understandably perplexed at my inability to deliver. Yet once amassed, these expectations, no longer reasonable, conspire to bury me.

The shame is unbearable. So I scatter snippets of myself; just enough to lower raised eyebrows and mollify my wounds. In the process, I lose sight of the person God called me to be. I’m like a puppy who bounces from person to person, with no direction or purpose other than to lap up a morsel of food or find the softie who’s sure to rub my tummy.

The Bible tells us we were created with purpose. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph 2:10, NIV) If we know God created us with purpose, why does it wound so deeply when others tell us we’ve failed to meet their expectations? Shouldn’t it be enough to know God’s purpose and act accordingly?

Apparently, most of us don’t have the bulldog focus and determination of Winston Churchill. Take a stroll through your local Christian bookstore and you’ll see rows of books on managing time, determining priorities and setting boundaries. These resources help individuals learn to say no, a skill critical to stress reduction.

But then, there are those who don’t struggle at all with turning you down flat. And when you’ve had to compensate for people who refuse to help, you empathize with those who are drowning - you want to spare them the frustration you’ve felt. Your sympathetic side struggles to say no. Being counted among the “do nothings” who suck the life from every organization is more than you can stomach.

How do you care about others without becoming a rescuer? How do you discover a sense of purpose when so many needs compete for your energy? Those who are both compassionate and focused have learned to coexist with a nagging reality. They know they must identify the yes’s in their lives before they can allow themselves to say no.