Fear and Love

I just finished reading Lifesigns, by Henri Nouwen. Though written in the 1980’s, I found his message timely for 2008. He says we are driven by fear or love. The two cannot coexist. “Fearful questions never lead to love-filled answers,” Nouwen claims.

I often think of love as the opposing force to hatred or apathy, but seldom have I considered love the alternative to fear. Yet how often does sheer survival hinder my relationships? It seems innocent enough. “If I call her, she might need something and I really don’t have time right now.”

“You volunteer once or twice, and then it never ends.”

“If I praise him for pulling up his grades, he’ll think B’s are good enough.”

Fear – of a runaway schedule, unyielding demands, or underachievement – stops love in its tracks. Though I want to extend my arms, fear suppresses my desire.

I’m thankful the God of love is stronger than my fears. By his grace, he nudges me along, to choose compassion over isolation, generosity over selfishness, encouragement over criticism . . . love over fear. What fearful questions are you asking today? How is God challenging you to ask different questions?

~Joyce

Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are related to each other but are not the same. Guilt is objective; it is the state in which you find yourself when you have violated a law, moral code or personal value. You experience painful feelings of regret associated with your behavior. You feel guilty because you are guilty. This guilt motivates you to change. Shame is subjective; it is a feeling of humiliation based on the belief that you are defective or inadequate as a person. You feel despair because you believe that you are fundamentally flawed and cannot change.

Guilt says I’ve done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me. Guilt says I’ve made a mistake; shame says I am a mistake. Guilt says what I did was not good; shame says I am no good (John Bradshaw, 1988).

Feelings of shame are often generated from toxic messages you receive from others when you fail to meet their expectations. “You are so incompetent!” “You are so selfish and ungrateful!” “You’ll never get it right!” Messages like these leave no room for amends and tend to reinforce inferiority, self-doubt, helplessness and hopelessness.

Feelings of guilt are generally healthy messages you receive from yourself when you have violated your conscience. “I have done wrong but I can change, make amends, correct a mistake, receive forgiveness, and be restored.” Messages like these reinforce hope and optimism.

Are you willing to become the person God designed you to be even if you incur disappointment from some? Is there someone with whom you need to reconcile and/or make restitution?