FATHERHOOD: Can Men Live Up to the Image?

“A man of steel and velvet,” author-poet Carl Sandburg used these words to describe Abraham Lincoln. The phrase became for many a metaphor for the ideal male persona, the perfect combination of strength and tenderness to which men must aspire. Stu Weber expounded the vision in his groundbreaking book, Tender Warrior (1993). Weber defined “four pillars of a man’s heart,” identifying leadership, protectiveness, mentorship, and friendship as the essential masculine qualities. The last decade produced a flood of books, some calling men to a selfless cause, others highlighting their inadequacies, and still others deploring the buffoonish male stereotypes portrayed increasingly in the media. While the literature has been helpful, it has tended to raise the standard and guys are feeling the pressure. Can men live up to the image?

Complicating the challenge facing men are the apparent shifting expectations of fathers in our society. “After years of trying to domesticate me, now they’re telling me I need to rediscover my ‘wild heart’,” said one father in frustration. Having bought the vision of sacrificing his lust for adventure for the sake of responsible fatherhood, he was now being warned that his sons might rebel against his mild-tempered example. He’s asking a fair question, “Does my eleven year old really long for the father who will jump in a canoe and brave the Snake River Canyon with him or is this just my excuse to be reckless?”

When it comes to parenting, some men feel like they’re giving all they can and fear it’s not enough. “My dad was never expected to be my playmate,” said one father. “If he was a good provider and a disciplinarian then it was enough.” Today’s father is expected to be provider, teacher, coach, and friend. Balancing these roles can be stressful. If a dad passes up career opportunities in order to attend his daughter’s gymnastics classes, he has to live with the fact that he’s giving up resources that could benefit the whole family. These are not easy choices.

Is there any relief to the stress fathers are feeling? Perhaps one solution lies in helping men to deal with the bitterness they have felt toward their own fathers. Now that some have experienced the pressures of fatherhood firsthand, perhaps they’ll be ready to forgive their own fathers for not doing it perfectly. After they’ve let their own dads off the hook, maybe they’ll be in a better position to set realistic expectations for themselves.

In the end, fatherhood is about being a role model. Despite mistakes and struggles to keep up, whether we live selfless or self-indulgent lives will be evident to our children.

What kind of life do your children see? Do you care more about “getting it right” than you do about modeling honesty and humility?

© 2004, John Wallace